Self Unemployment: Volume 1

It's 1:35am. Mentally worn and physically exhausted, I'm only awake in the hopes of waiting up for my boyfriend. He's in college working on gruelling 4^th year things and said he'd "Try to be home before 4am" so I have some time to kill. So what do you do at times like these? I know, come up with ways to justify what you do the rest of the time!

I've decided to attempt a theory here, or at least a semi-formed-thoughty-thing..

Ok, so what if you have no job and are not in college? Well then you're unemployed. But what if you work for yourself? Well then you're self employed. What if you don't get paid? And thus self unemployment is born!

Basically I'm using this word to refer to anyone who does payable work but is temporarily unpaid for it; writers who are not yet recognised, artists of the same ilk, pre-entrepreneurs, etc.

As frustrating as it sounds, I am happy to announce that I have very recently joined the ranks of the self unemployed. I have decided to start up a Super Secret Business-y Thing. Needless to say, the Super Secret nature of the Super Secret Business-y Thing won't be super secret when the business is actually started, but for now I'm keeping it reasonably quiet so as not to build up expectations.

As a self unemployed person (or untrapreneur, if you will) I have a lot of work to do and not much immediate reward for it. It's a bit like running a marathon and being given a lottery ticket as your prize with no guarantee it'll win. Now in theory, the further you run the more likely you'll be given the winning ticket, but you have to prepared for your prize to be 'experience' or 'the warm fuzzy feeling from knowing you got this far'. Needless to say, these things sort of suck.. but they do give you more motivation to run as far as you can for that damn ticket.

I'm in a bit of a bind here though.. between doing my leaving cert on a 10-hour week and not really doing much after that point, I haven't had a rigid 9-5 style day since I was about 15. Even though I don't really have a deadline to meet for the moment, I'm all too aware of the fact that I won't be able to shut down the business for few weeks "because I'm sleepy" once it's up and running. For this reason, as of next week, I'm forcing myself to work as if I have a boss to look busy for. I'm not looking forward to it, but at least I get to write more. And the King's stinking son can't fire me if I don't stick to it.

Here's the plan so far:

7.00am:

- Wake up.

- Wake Will up (sorry Will).

- Normal morning-y things.

8.30am:

- Walk to Super Secret Location (probably a library or something).

- Do Super Secret Prep and research and contact Super Secret People.

10:30am:

- Practice writing (in theory to improve my correspondence skillage, actually to write self-pitying blog posts)

12:00pm:

- Lunch break!

- Go home, eat.

- Rest

2:00pm:

- Get to work practising necessary Super Secret Skills, probably whilst watching NCIS.

5:30pm:

- Start cleaning, prepping dinner, baking, and all in all being the good little housewife I am (come on Siobhán, you wrote a whole post on feminism like 5 minutes ago..)

So, think it'll work?

It would take a miracle.

And Billy Crystal isn't here to save the day..

Until he gets here though, I need sleep. So for now, bu-bye!

Gender Equality

Hello again!

I'm terribly sorry for the topic of this post (no really, I am) because it's so bloody overdone. I've never seen a personal blog without some reference to it somewhere and generally they're all saying variations of the same thing. I try not to write about things when I feel I can't contribute to the debate because.. well, what's the point in reading the same opinion (no matter how relevant) regurgitated for the umpteenth time unless it actually gives another perspective? If I want to show my support for something I share it on my Facebook page, there's really no need for a blog about it. Now for the sake of clarity I've phrased this in question form, I apologise if this comes across as patronising.

Why are you doing this to us then Siobhán? WHY?!

Well recently someone showed me an article in the Guardian on the subject of feminism and gender equality. While it went into the complications of gender equality vs feminism vs everything else, it made me realise that I've never actually seen an article or post of any kind that puts forth my feelings on the matter. This article got some of it, but there are still bits that I disagree with in there and that always seems to be the case. Also my feelings on the matter are quite difficult to express so I usually end up conceding the argument quite quickly for lack of energy.

Ok, to start with: what is feminism?

You're probably reading this thinking "Jesus Christ, how flipping condescending is this person? Any reasonable person knows what feminism is!". Unfortunately this just isn't true. I've witnessed many different attitudes and definitions, and I'm not even an activist. Depending on who you ask, feminism can be defined as the promotion of women's rights, the promotion of equal rights and/or the demotion of men's rights. This isn't even including those who think one gender is inherently better than another and still call themselves feminists¹. As the original article stated, it's not as simple as

The definition of feminism that I think is most reasonable and sums up my feelings on it best is this:

Feminism is the promotion of women's rights, with the aim of creating a society where women and men exist as equals.

So you're a feminist then, by that definition?

No, not really. By the above definition it's a movement that I definitely support, but I wouldn't call myself a feminist. My only real issue with feminism is that it focusses primarily on one gender - even in its name. This means that people look around and see women in power and think "Great! We can be done with this whole feminism malarkey now!" or see a man passed over for promotion in the name of feminism and think "Feminism is putting men at a disadvantage, they've gotten what they want and now they're just being spiteful!". In my experience, using 'gender equality' instead of 'feminism' cuts out this problem quite well.

If 'feminism' and 'gender equality' are both working towards the same goal then what's the difference?

To me the difference is sustainability. I have no idea what the future will hold for gender roles and gender equality. In my grandmother's time she legally had to give up her job when she got married, my mother on the other hand kept her maiden name and has had a thriving career, only marrying our father when my sister and I were 9 and 6 respectively. A large reason for my parents getting married when they did was the fact that Irish law recognised the rights of a married mother over those of an unmarried mother living with the father of her children, yet in 2012 we passed a referendum that went a long way to remedy this.

With the development of our society so uncertain, I feel it's important that we allow for equality in every long-term decision we make. Here's a somewhat controversial example of what I mean:
There's a business (roughly 25 years old, not family owned). The CEO is male, as are 19 of the 20 board members. Over the years there have been many qualified women who have applied for positions in the company but somehow almost all of the female employees are working at very low level stations and usually as secretaries or assistants. There's an atmosphere of acceptance when it comes to sexual harassment and aside from a yearly 2-hour talk there is nothing done about any complaints.
All in all, a misogynist and oppressive atmosphere has built up over the years and it'd suck to be a woman working there. It's the next bit where the opinions start to differ.
Feminism: Firstly, affirmative action. We implement a system whereby there have to be at least 7 female board members at any given time, as well as similar requirements at various levels of the organisation. Secondly we increase the number of sexual harassment seminars, make them compulsory and make sure that the protocols for reporting such behaviour are easily followed and the punishments enforced. We then need to have a good long talk with this CEO fellow and make sure he understands that he will be monitored and there will be consequences if this continues.
Gender Equality: Firstly, affirmative action. We implement a system whereby there have to be at least 7 female and 7 male board members at any given time, as well as similar requirements at various levels of the organisation. Secondly we increase the number of sexual harassment seminars, make them compulsory and make sure that the protocols for reporting such behaviour are easily followed and the punishments enforced. We then need to have a good long talk with this CEO fellow and make sure he understands that he will be monitored and there will be consequences if this continues.
There was one difference there. Just one. The thing is though is that, for me, that one difference turns 'positive discrimination' into 'equal opportunities hiring'. It allows for nobody to feel like they were discriminated against for their gender, and if the situation were ever reversed it allows for the same problems not to arise again.

But women are disadvantaged already! That's like splitting €100 equally between someone with nothing and someone with €50; the person with nothing needs to be given more to make it equal.

Yes, as it stands women are significantly disadvantaged. But is it not equally wrong to give one person the full €100 and leave the other with just €50²? The gender equality plan is giving women more than it's giving men. In the original structure women were guaranteed nothing and anything more than that was an anomaly. Men, on the other hand, were given more than their fair share of opportunity, given that 50% of the competition was automatically dismissed. The women here have received much more from the scheme, as they should have. It just allows for men and women now to be at the same starting point. We've given €75 to the women, €25 to the men and hopefully set the stage for an environment where the two genders are equal and the majority gender depends only on who deserves to work there.

See how happy we would be if we all weighed the same?

To sum up..

I think in an ideal world men and women would be treated equally, but currently this isn't the case. I believe that promoting women's rights in the form of mutual rights will be more efficient in getting to this ideal world. I also think that history shows we can evolve quickly as a society and mutual rights guarantees that misogyny and other forms of inequality don't raise their ugly heads again as they are so keen to do. I think that the term 'gender equality' has a more clear definition than 'feminism' and that is why I prefer using it. There are a bunch of other terms floating around the place but these I find are the simplest and most well-known.

Thank you for your time, I sincerely hope I didn't bore you to death. Oh and no applause necessary lads, I've got it covered..

¹ Not just putting women above men, but I have also seen people who see it as akin to animal rights - you should treat your dog well, but you wouldn't let it vote.

² The reason I use these numbers is because I want to emphasise that I do believe, no matter how much we give women, that men will never be as disadvantaged as women once were. They will always have their €50. I do still think it's better though for everyone to have €75.

Invasion of the People Snatchers

Can people change?

It's one of those questions that inevitably pops up every once in a while, each time triggering a different answer that I'm oh so sure I believe.. until the next time, of course. Every time a new situation arises I find my conclusion is rarely based on my last conclusion, or even the facts involved. It usually comes down to a gut feeling.

I think though I've come up with an answer that I can apply to any situation and possibly make a more fair judgement. This answer is 'ish'. Yes, I do think people can change.. ish. Ok, I know how that reads, but give me a chance to explain;

With the exception of a mightily convenient dose of amnesia or extreme hypnotherapy, nothing can undo your experiences. We are all doomed to remember most of our highs and lows throughout our lives. These memories (even the ones that lurk in the murky depths of the mind) play a large part in dictating how we handle situations. If you have a bad experience at a club the first time you go chances are you'll avoid going again for a while. Even if you acknowledge that though and try not to let it affect you, you may end up disregarding things that would otherwise bother you because you put the discomfort down to that first experience. Now this part would suggest that a person can't change - not really at least, right? Right.

On the other hand though, I am not the same person I was when I was 15. Sure, I have a lot in common with her; we have the same name, same family, a few of the same ambitions, a fair number of the same memories and even a couple of the same friends.. but we're not interchangeable. Of course we're not, nobody at age 21 could possibly be interchangeable with their 15-year-old self. I'm not talking here about 'deep personal experiences' or 'profound epitomes'. I'm simply referring to my general attitudes and reactions. Everything I experienced before the age of 15 is still there, but there's so much of it that I see in a different light now. I don't know what changed it (I assume the general passing of time and the whole growing up thing had something to do with it) but I do know that when I'm confronted with the same everyday problems they affect me differently. For example when I was 15 if a stranger glared at me I felt like "Why the fuck are they glaring at me? Who the fuck do they think they are? What the fuck is so wrong with me that they think they have the right to judge me without knowing me? Fucking bastard."¹ whereas now my reaction is more along the lines of "Hey now that's not nice. They're probably having a bad day though.. I'll check a mirror to reassure myself and then move on with my day". I genuinely don't feel under attack - the weird thing being that I don't remember ever making a concious decision to be less defensive or anything, it just sort of.. happened. There are many little things like that which pretty much all amount to this:
At age 15 I was trying so hard to be the smartest, most talented, most pretty-but-deep-and-damaged person in any room that I ended up coming off as just obnoxious and stupid. It vaguely irritates me, but what's bothers me more is that even when I tried to put others first my thoughts still went through the filter of "How do my actions look?" so my first thought was always myself. I wish I had made the effort to change this behaviour because maybe then I'd have been rid of it sooner. It seemed to sort itself out eventually anyways, because now I don't have to try to be kind or considerate. Even the childhood I remember as a 21 year old is very different from the one I remembered as a 15 year old, yes the same things happened but just.. differently. To clarify, I wasn't the devil at age 15 and I'm not an angel at age 21, I just see things more normally now.²
Now this was all a little too introspective for my taste, so I figured I would see how it holds up in comparison to my friends. No offence guys, but if my friends from when I was 15 still existed in their 15-year-old forms I would not be friends with them. I'd like to stress here that they've all evolved considerably - at least the ones I still know have. How is it that I had a lot in common with them then, have a lot in common with them now, but seem to have none of those same things in common with my old self?

So I've come to this reasoning:
If a person thinks they've changed they can force reactions and make it seem as though they see things differently. I think the test of it though is how they see the past. I mean wayy in the past, like before whatever drama they're supposed to have changed from.
Because I think that's the only real change you can make in your life. If you think you've changed your entire self I think you're wrong. There's only so much your attitudes can influence. Also just because you've changed doesn't mean you've changed for the better. I think it's worth not writing anyone off immediately though, there's a lot to be said for hearing people out.

That's pretty much it. Could have been shorter but given that the title of the blog is "Snoozy Snippets" I think being exhausted is a fair excuse for lack of editing. Also did you guys know that the HTML tag for superscript is "sup"? I find that ridiculously funny. Bye for now x

¹ Yes, the word 'fuck' came up much more in my 15-year-old vocabulary too, though I think that has more to do with my "I may be 5"6 and blond but I'm very scary and angry I promise" phase.

² Then again, writing a personal blog from the first person perspective may not be the most un-self-centred thing in the universe. Whatever, you get the general gist.

The Shape of Things To Come

There have been several posts that I've wanted to write over the last little while. There are many reasons why I didn't write them, but mostly they came down to one recurring annoyance; me.

Hey, I'm the kind of person who writes a personal blog, you can't expect me to not be self-centred. There have been 6 personal pronouns so far out of only 65 words - and it only gets worse from here on in.

Basically all of it's got me thinking about the nature of opinions. I have refrained from expressing mine because I feel like who I am makes them somehow less valid. Who am I to comment on wisdom at age 21? How can I justify talking about stereotypes when I fit so many of them? Then again.. does being 21 allow me to comment on the ignorance of some 12-year-olds? Can I complain about stereotypes, so long as I avoid the ones that apply to me?

Actually I kind of think most of what I just said is bullshit. The problem is that thinking it's bullshit doesn't stop me from allowing it to shape my opinions. This is annoying me to no end. The thing is, I don't think it's a me-being-annoying thing so much as a human-nature-sucking thing. I look at the people around me and I can see it influencing them - whether they bow to it like me or over compensate for it, it still shapes them.

This is why I wanted to write this, I want to be clear about a few things when it comes to future posts:

I am a middle class white female. None of my opinions or decisions represent those of other middle class white females. They are their own people with their own opinions for their own reasons.

I am in a long term relationship with a male. I am still entitled to my opinions on sexuality, relationships and romance. These opinions have not been solely formed based on this relationship, and please do not presume to know my romantic history or how it may or may not have affected me - only a couple of people know everything there is to know, and even they have only heard it from my own biased perspective.

I am young. My peers and other influences growing up have influenced the way I think and process information, so if you are significantly older or younger than I am please do not write off my opinions because of this but instead try to put yourself in my shoes.

I'm not overly smart, but I'm not stupid either. I don't know everything. I will never know everything. I try not to comment on things unless I feel I have a reasonable understanding of it based on several reliable sources. If I'm way off base on the facts (not opinions, mind you) I'd appreciate being told or given the benefit of the doubt, please do not assume it is my age or deliberate ignorance getting in the way.

I have a long-term illness. It sucks, but I'm happy. I have a great life, genuinely. Feel free to have sympathy for the fact that I'm sick, but please don't pity me. If nothing else there's no reason for it. Also it's patronizing as all hell.

I love my family. My good relationship with my family shouldn't really affect how seriously my views on family, children, relationships and family issues (divorce, abuse, etc.) are taken.

I'm trying not to disclose anything here that I wouldn't tell an acquaintance in a five minute conversation - not just on this post but on the blog in general. It's easy to forget that this won't just be seen by the two or three friends who make a point of reading it, or even just by the people I'm friends with on Facebook. The internet is public and though I want to share my views and have them out there, I hate the idea of them being written off just because it was me who said them. We are all who we are, for better or worse. We should try to improve ourselves where possible but I feel like even if I'm just shot down and corrected that's improvement. Just as long as they're shot down for being incorrect, not because I'm blond or whatever.

I tried a few times to make this sound less bitter, uppety and generally patronizing but I couldn't. Just please take my word for it that I was erring on the side of clarity. Mostly I was just trying to write a disclaimer for when future posts are taken the wrong way (or taken the right way, but where I didn't think before I typed).

New Year's Resolutions

Another year, another list..

I love New Year's resolutions. Weirdly for me they seem to be the best motivator possible, as they're the only ones I can't negotiate my way out of. If I have a deadline for something I'll wait til the very last minute, but I can't let myself do that because they tend take time (like how do you lose *x*kg or save €*x* all within a month?); I'm also unable to make deals with anyone - or myself for that matter - because it's written down on paper and it'll stare and mock me for all eternity if I try.

No, a New Year's resolution is the closest thing to a contract possible in my day-to-day life. However this does mean that actually making them requires more than a whim or a passing consideration. This the life changing list, life or death, the fate of the earth and all its peoples.. dramatic, moi?

So here are the ones I've decided on so far - the ones I'm willing to put onto the internet at least:

1. Lose *a certain number of*kg
2. Get a haircut every 2 months minimum (I got a grand total of 1 haircut in 2013 and that was in September, so I figure even if this is a little excessive I'll err on the side of caution this year)
3. Do my exercises every day

4. Actually make an effort with my appearance (face scrubs, brushing my hair on a daily basis, that sort of nonsense)
5. Stick to the weight loss challenge with Will.
6. Take dance lessons.
7. Stop biting my nails.

Terribly vein and self-centered I know, but that's what I use these resolutions for. I'll remember to do hang out with my friends more because I'll feel lonely; I'll remember to do a bit of charity work or whatever because I receive e-mails from Volunteer Ireland.. I won't remember to brush my hair every day because I'll tie it back and avoid mirrors - and who really cares what the flip I look like anyways? Unfortunately though this means that when it comes to an event where I want to look nice (like the EngSoc Ball in February, for example) I have to deal with ratty, split-ended hair and dry, spotty skin - not to mention the layers of flab that have slowly built up since the last time I decided to exercise. I'm lazy and it comes back to bite me. Just as well it comes back to bite me often enough that I have reason to write lists like this. I want to make an effort so I can leave the house thinking "You know what? I actually look ok today, even though I'm not wearing makeup and my jeans could do with a wash. Now I can enjoy myself and think of more important things than what people are thinking when they look at me" instead of "Keep your head down, nobody is staring at you, nobody cares what you look like.. Yes you're a mess but it doesn't matter because you're only seeing your friends and why would they bother.."

Anyways I'm feeling particularly snoozy at the moment so that's it from me for now,

Night! x

The Princess Bride

I can't read.

It's odd, I know, and quite embarrassing as far as secrets go. But it's true. I mean obviously I know the alphabet and I can make sense of words on a page or screen, but when it comes to making sense of a full page of script or more I just can't do it.

It's not that I never learned - I did - it's just that since I got sick about five years ago I simply don't have the concentration. I can read the odd paragraph here and there or maybe a short article, but I just can't seem to make my brain follow a storyline properly. Allow me to try to explain..

You know when you're really exhausted and about to go to bed, but there's a great book you're just dying to finish? It's sitting on your bedside table and no matter how difficult it is just to keep your eyes open, you just can't resist picking it up.. just for one chapter.. maybe two? It doesn't take long for you to realise that you've spent about five minutes on one page, and worse still reading the same paragraph over and over. You then realise that you still don't know what that paragraph says. At this point you usually give up (unless you're the particularly stubborn type) and resign yourself to stay in suspense for another night. Well with ME/CFS your concentration is at that level for all but maybe 40 minutes in the day - and that's with the help of narcolepsy drugs. Others may differ, but to be honest I don't want to spend those 40 minutes reading. It's not that I don't think reading is important, it's just that I wasn't much of a reader before I got sick and there are hundreds of other things I want to do with that time.

Before now I was only comfortable with about a handful of people knowing about this. Reading is such a basic thing, and everyone I know considers it to be a huge part of life. I'm well aware that there are more people in the world who can't read and write than who can, but in South Dublin it is most certainly the other way around (and I have the terrible misfortune of being surrounded by very intelligent, very well educated and very kind friends and family who keep trying to share and discuss things with me; usually involving articles or books or such things. Bastards).

The Princess Bride has been my favourite film since I was 12, when my Godfather, Frank Wynne, bought me the DVD along with Pretty in Pink and Crossroads (the first two because he couldn't believe I hadn't seen them, the last because I apparently begged him - lies and slander by the way). It was love at first viewing. This Christmas he gave me the book.

I've read 87 pages in 3 hours. This may not be impressive to most, but given the long ramble above about how I haven't read in properly in five years I'm fairly chuffed. Before now my favourite book was The Stars My Destination, but I'm afraid now it may have to be moved to second place. I just love it. To anyone who hasn't read it (whether you have seen/enjoyed the film or not) you really really need to. And for me, this is the book that allowed me to read again. I don't think I could be more happy about this. Knowing the storyline so well means that being unable to properly follow the text isn't a problem, but yet there's still so much more that it holds my interest and compels me to read on.

I've been wanting to start a blog for such a long time - I've even given it a stab a couple of times before - but I always come to the conclusion that if I can't even read, what business have I writing? Maybe it's because it's Christmas day, maybe it's because I'm in the middle of one of my favourite stories of all time, but I figure that today is the day to begin boring you all with opinions and ravings that you never asked to hear in the first place. If you have any complaints you can direct them to Frank, it's all his fault. Also you should check out is writings and translations, particularly his own book I Was Vermeer.

For now though, I shall pop off and continue my readings.

Merry Christmas everyone!