ME/CFS Week: The End

Apologies for the delay, this was supposed to be posted yesterday (Sunday) but that was not possible due to circumstances beyond my control.

So it's the final day of ME/CFS week. I hope that some of you have learned something about ME/CFS from these posts, or at least had it brought to the forefront of your mind for a few days. Regardless, I'd really like to thank everyone for reading (even if you only read one or two of them) and for sharing them on Facebook. It really means a lot to me and others with the disease that you did.
This post today is going to be short and sweet. There's a lot left to say about the illness and how affects the lives of sufferers, but so much of it is specific to the individual that I don't feel it's my place to say. After all I don't speak for every person with ME/CFS.

Being sick doesn't always mean being sad. Everyone has to overcome things in their lives. For some people it's illness or disability, for others it could be family troubles, conflicts, trauma or any number of other things. At the end of the day we must acknowledge the problem, deal with it, and either move on or (if it's ongoing) lessen its impact. That's exactly what we do with illness, too. People look at how little we can do on a daily basis and say "Oh that must be terrible, you must be miserable" because they're thinking of it in terms of their lives. The truth is that when living with something like this you adapt. You leave your job or your school, you stop your hobbies. It sucks that you have adapt that way, but that's life. Sympathy and understanding can make it suck a lot less, and can also help to make you feel better in the times when you really do feel miserable about it. Pity is likely to make you feel worse and stop you from opening up to anyone.

I'd also like to take this opportunity to mention other invisible illnesses. I've explained before what they are and I've been trying to mention them throughout my other posts. The reason for this is that a lot of the things that apply to ME/CFS also apply to many other invisible illnesses. It's an important thing to acknowledge. After all, you may only know one person with ME/CFS but there may be a dozen other people you know with invisible illnesses that you're completely unaware of. These people all deserve the same understanding and sympathy as those with ME/CFS or, as I said above, anyone else going through something.

We are battling a disease. We did not sign up to fight willingly, but were drafted against our will to wage a war that most other people seem oblivious to. It's not honour, glory and medals we're looking for. We're not doing this because we believe in it, we're doing it because we weren't given a choice. All we want is help and understanding. We're not special, we're just people.

ME/CFS Week: A Spoonful of Sugar

When it comes to sickness, treatment seems obvious - though not always affective. Have an infection? Antibiotics. Cancer? Surgery, radiotherapy and chemotherapy. Even with the common cold we know to rest, drink fluids and eat chicken soup.
So why is it that when it comes to ME/CFS everyone seems to treat it differently? Some patients are on so many pills that they'd rattle if you shook them, while others don't even take paracetemol for a headache.

Basically the reason is lack of knowledge about the disease. As a result different doctors take different approaches, which is perfectly understandable and will eventually lead to better understanding of the illness and its treatment. In the spirit of awareness and settling curiosities, I've listed below some of
the treatments for people with ME/CFS. It could help you keep track if a friend is talking about their doctor appointments and whatnot.

Pacing

A word that most people with chronic illness are sick to death of. It's the word every doctor and consultant uses all the time. Basically it refers to limiting your activity so as to not overextend yourself. Sometimes you don't realise you're tired til you're already too far gone. Over time you can build up your energy and stamina but it can be frustrating in the meantime. The idea is to not let yourself get too tired as you'll crash the next day, but instead keep your day-to-day energy as consistent as possible. This is the only treatment I'm aware of that actually helps your health improve, most others seem to make you more comfortable and functional in the meantime.

Medicating

Medicating is exactly what it says on the tin. It's treatment through the use of prescription or over the counter drugs and tonics. Usually for ME/CFS this is a combination of painkillers, stimulants and or sleeping aids. While the right combination can give great and fast results, the short term and long term side effects can be pretty awful. Because of this many doctors try to avoid it, particularly if a patient is hyper sensitive as many are.

CBT

CBT stands for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. It's a form of therapy which focusses on acknowledging your limits and structuring your life around them as efficiently as possible. Obviously it can't help with the physical aspects of the illness but it can often really help the managing of the illness which in turn helps you recover faster.

Natural Remedies

Probably sounds like hippy dippy stuff, right? Well what I'm talking about here isn't I-don't-need-chemo-I-have-a-magic-leaf-to-fix-me stuff. It's more about finding the small benefits of various plants and things and using them to ease your symptoms. For example using ginger to settle your nausea, or chewing coffee beans to perk you up. It's less affective than many other routes but has almost no long term side affects and can make day-to-day life much more comfortable. It's also good for people who are sensitive to preservatives and such.

GET

Doctors really like initialisms, it gets super confusing. This particular one stands for Graded Exercise
Therapy. It's kind of like physiotherapy in that it's a way of helping recovery through exercise but it works a little differently. With GET you receive a list of exercises but only in very small amounts of each. The idea is that over time you slowly build up strength and gradually increase your exercises.


Most of these are used in conjunction with others, it'd be rare that you'd find someone only using one. Of course, someone's choice of treatment is entirely up to them but it'd be helpful for both of you to be able to discuss it properly. If you'd like more information there's plenty available online but I'd advise avoiding stuff that says one is perfect or one doesn't work at all ever, as each has its merits and drawbacks.

ME/CFS Week: It's The Little Things

Any person with a long term illness could tell you that being sick makes big social occasions hard. Often they require a lot of mingling and active participation which is almost impossible if you're in pain or have no energy. The last big event I went to was on Good Friday and I fell asleep in a corner twice. Even small events in big locations like clubs or bars can be difficult for the same reasons.
As a result, people stop inviting ill people some events because they know attendance is unlikely. This in itself can mean that the ill person feels left out and gets to see their friends less often.
That's why I've decided to write today about more inclusive activities for people with disabilities and illnesses. You never know, you might discover some fun ways to get to see a friend who's sick and reluctant to come out much. I've tried to only include activities here which don't revolve around the sick person because everyone else should be able to have fun too and it's less of an inconvenience if the sick person has to cancel last minute.

Picnics

Ok, I live in Ireland so picnics aren't exactly a wise idea all year round. If you live somewhere else (or in Ireland during the 2 weeks of 'summer' every year) though then it's well worth a try. If you plan it in a place that's easily accessible you can get a nice big group together without the hustle and bustle of an indoor event.

Going Out To Lunch/Dinner

As simple and everyday as it sounds, going out to lunch or dinner can really brighten up your day. It doesn't have to be something fancy. Even a casual meal has the benefit of getting someone out of the house, giving them company and it only needs a couple of hours worth of energy to do.

Movie Days

This is one of my personal favourites because it's something that I used to do all the time before I got sick. Go to Netflix or get a DVD, invite a couple of people over and have a movie day. If it's very close friends only then it can be hosted at the sick person's house (just make sure you help clean up afterwards). When the focus is on something else it's easy for someone to drop out of conversation or go and lie down somewhere without attention being drawn to them. Also there's almost no movement involved for the entire day.

Baking days

You can only really do this with around 3 people or fewer, but it's a great way to spend the day. The energy required for baking is significantly lessened when there's another person to help. If you notice your friend beginning to wilt, just pick up the slack so that they don't run out of energy entirely. There's also a built-in rest break as the food cooks, followed by a sitting-around-eating break after.

Bringing Over Dinner

Eat food, chat, maybe watch a film. It only takes a couple of hours worth of energy and bringing over food saves the sick person energy on buying food, cooking, cleaning and travelling. If you're doing it with someone who's reasonably healthy you can take it in turns to bring stuff over, but be willing to settle for takeaway, pre-made food or ready meals when it's their turn.

One-time Classes

Now classes do have one significant downfall: You lose money if you cancel last minute. If, however, the sick person in question is going through a consistent phase of the illness these classes can be really great. Sites like Living Social offer one-time classes at a discount. They require about 2-3 hours of energy and at the very least you'll learn some new skills like pottery or cooking.


You can also make bigger events easier by making sure there's a suitable resting/napping place available nearby and making sure there's a lot of people they know also attending. That's often an inconvenience though so if you're not able to don't worry about it. If you're really at a loss, don't be afraid to ask your friend what they want to do. These suggestions are more about when the patient is unwilling to risk going out or seeing people. I hope these help a bit, bye for now!

ME/CFS Week: Sticks and Stones

We often feel awkward around people who are sick or disabled. Even when it's someone we know well it's hard to find words that sound caring but not pitying. Sometimes even trying not to hurt their feelings can be awkward.

Based off many other similar lists and my own experience, I've compiled this post to give anyone in this position a rough guide to the general dos and don'ts.


Warm and Fuzzy
Probably stuff you're already aware of, but maybe a little inspiration if you're stuck for words.

Jokes. The best medicine is laughter, right? Gentle joking can make things feel normal and significantly less awkward. After all, a disability becomes a part of your life, and what are friends for if not lightly mocking you and your life? If you're not sure if it's appropriate, wait for them to make a joke. If they're joking about it then it's usually fine.

"How are you?" and "How are you feeling?" are very different questions. All too often people with illnesses and disabilities are only asked "How are you feeling?" and it can make you feel defined by your illness. Bit of a downer, you can imagine. It's nice though to know that you care so it can be a really lovely question - just as long as it's not the only question.

Offering help is often a massive relief. It's often really difficult and humiliating to ask for help. Smaller things, like offering to pick up a cup of tea, might be a little patronising. When it comes to washing the dishes or cooking dinner though it can turn a really daunting task into a small inconvenience. If they say no don't worry about it, often it feels good to take advantage of a good day.

Don't let it be the elephant in the room. Ask about it, ask how they're dealing with it and how the recovery is going. If they're uncomfortable talking about it that'll be obvious from their reaction and obviously you'll drop it. During a bad patch though they might feel like it's just whiny to bring it up, so if you bring it up instead it's a big relief.

Draw things, write things, give small gifts. It's incredibly lovely to look across the room on a bad day and see evidence that you're not going through this alone. Especially if it's been a while since contacting friends has been possible. From a personal stand point these are the best things my friends have done for me over the years. It's so easy and cheap to do too!



Not So Warm and Fuzzy
Again you could probably guess. A couple of things here though are sore spots that seem entirely benign to everyone else, so it might be worth a read.

Normally, people say "You look well" to mean "You look good". However, when you've heard too many people say "But you don't look sick" it can take on an entirely different meaning. To be safe, it's usually better just to say that they look good¹.

Try not to offer medical advice. When a sick person shows a new symptom they may begin to panic and it's hard not to try to comfort them with stuff like "Oh that just sounds like x. I had that ages ago, you'll be fine in a few days". The simple fact is that their body won't work the same way as yours and often things present slightly differently, or could even just be a new symptom of ME/CFS (even if they've been sick for years). The easiest way to manage it is "It could be serious, it could be nothing. If you're concerned go to your doctor". If you're a doctor then feel free to offer your medical advice, because using the above phrase would be mightily unhelpful and you might get fired.

When you care a lot about someone it's not pleasant to see them in pain. "It makes me so sad to see you like this" is a phrase often used in such situations. Unfortunately it mostly has the affect of making the sick person feel like they should avoid telling you if they're feeling icky. They probably care a lot about you too and are afraid of causing you sadness. Unless they hate you. In that case it might actually make them feel better.

If the person who is ill is a close friend this probably doesn't apply to you. If they're an acquaintance, however, listen up! Proximity to sickness is (thankfully) a new thing. You want to make the person feel better but you don't know them well enough to make them feel better with their favourite shows or whatever. My advice is this: act like it's the flu. You don't say stuff like "Let me know about the test results, ok?" when it's the flu. Stuff like that. It's just a bit invasive is all.

"Are you ok?" is an appropriate question when someone has gone quiet and may or may not be in pain. It's not really warranted after a small whimper and it's downright useless when someone is obviously in agony. Illness causes pain and chances are they're used to the small jolts when they're doing small tasks. Ask after a couple or if it seems bad. If it's gotten to the point of agony ask instead what you can do to help because clearly they are not ok.

This is another one that comes with time. Often people with illnesses test their limits at the beginning and this is perfectly natural. As time passes they will learn what they can or cannot do. This makes it really frustrating when people tell you that they're not able for something that they know they can do. Kind of like if I told you "Don't bother walking to the shop, you have a cold" you'd be a tad indignant about it.


So there it is. Maybe you saw something here that you didn't know before, maybe you didn't. Either way I hope it was at the very least interesting.
Of course, for all these things, it really doesn't apply if you're living with someone who's ill. In that situation you have a much better idea of how things have progressed and what they like or dislike. Anyways that's about all I have the energy for. Until tomorrow!

¹ The same goes for saying "You don't look sick". You may mean it as a compliment but it can be taken the same way as the other people saying it to imply that they don't believe they're sick.

ME/CFS Week: They See Us Rollin...

I'd like to preface this post by saying that most people I have come across are nice about my illness. Most people only offend accidentally if ever, usually while trying to hard to be kind. Most people are accommodating and try hard to understand my situation. Most people.

The thing is, the vast majority of people who aren't nice about the illness aren't mean people. Seriously. It's usually just that they don't realise what's going on¹. That is why I'm dedicating a short post this week to the difficulties for people with ME/CFS in society.

As I mentioned before the illness lends itself freely to suspicion. In case I wasn't clear in my earlier post, this is how a diagnosis of exclusion works:

You go to the doctor with all your symptoms. They tend to "see how things go" for a while. When you come back with no improvement they start running tests. First they test for everything they think it is. Those tests will come back negative. Then they start testing you for anything it could possibly be, however unlikely. Again it's negative. After all of this your doctor will hopefully come back with a diagnosis of ME/CFS².

You can see how, with no blood tests or outward symptoms, it'd be hard to convince people that it actually exists. How do you defend it? Why should you defend it?

You're probably thinking at this point that reasonable people don't discriminate like that. If you say you have an illness they believe you. This is true. With an invisible illness like ME/CFS though, people sometimes just don't know there's anything wrong at all.
Let's say you're in a parking lot. You see two people in a car. They pull into a disabled parking space and take out a permit from the glove box. You watch as these two people emerge from the car, laughing and looking as carefree and healthy as can be. Let's say you're using public transport instead. From time to time you see these able bodied young people refusing to give up their seat for someone older. Or have you ever been out and about and seen someone rolling around in a wheelchair one minute, and then casually walking around the next?
You'd probably glare at them, right? Maybe even report them? Before I got sick I definitely would have. These people are taking resources away from someone who might really need them!
On the other hand, what if these people had an invisible illness? Constantly getting dirty looks can really ruin your day. Often in those situations you want to explain yourself, but you can't possibly approach each of the people glaring at you individually. Short of wearing a sign around your neck that says "I'm sick, I swears!" There's nothing really you can do.

As I said before, there are mean people in this world. People who will discriminate for no reason and use resources intended for those in need. These people pop up in all walks of life, but is it really fair to assume that someone is one of those people just because they're not visibly ill?

¹ There are some really horrible people who just try to be mean for the sake of it, and a couple of bullheaded ME/CFS-doesn't-exist-and-you'll-never-convince-me-otherwise types but we'll just ignore them for now. Those people would be mean to anyone, regardless of illness or anything.

² I say "hopefully" because many people don't get a diagnosis for years. A similar process is common for many other invisible illnesses and can be incredibly stressful if it's not caught quickly.

ME/CFS Week: Implications of Illness

"What are you studying? Nothing? Oh, where do you work then? Really? Then what is it that you do all day? Ha fair enough, must be nice taking a few years out.."

Part of understanding ME/CFS is understanding the affect it has on the day-to-day lives of people with the illness. It's kind of hard to understand how much impact something like this can have on a person's life unless you've experienced it first hand, or are close with someone who has. I've been incredibly fortunate with my friends and their level of understanding, but even after five and a half years they are sometimes surprised by just how much of an impact this disease has.

School/College/Work

Often when people first begin to show symptoms they try to ignore it and carry on as normal. This never lasts long. For some, the only thing they can do is leave completely. Needless to say this can be devastating for your self-esteem and leave you scared for the future. It translates to loss of income, lack of qualifications, being 'left behind' by your peers and uncertainty about your future career.
Many people find themselves in a less drastic position though. Depending on their health, job and age they may have more flexibility in work or school. They may be able to take it easy or do half-days, some can even go full speed. Even this though can make life difficult. Working full time take a lot of energy for anyone, but for someone with a chronic illness it literally takes every ounce of energy you have. This can result in people being too tired to do anything but literally go home and sleep until the following morning when you get to go back to work. There is often no time for eating, physiotherapy, talking to people, watching TV or anything else. People functioning like this are sacrificing a quicker recovery time just to keep up with the able-bodied people around them.

Social

There's much doubt and discrimination against those with illnesses like ME/CFS. As it is a diagnosis of exclusion, it cannot be tested for or proven. I'll cover all of that though in a different post, what I'm talking about here is from the perspective of the individual. So forget everyone else, work on the assumption here that all your friends and family are super understanding and accommodating.
We've already established that if you're putting all your energy into work you will have no energy for anything else. What people don't seem to understand though is that if you are someone who doesn't have enough energy for work, you also don't have any energy for a social life. I'm lucky enough to live with one of my friends and my boyfriend, so although I only see my other friends about once a week (if that) I still get to be fairly social. Unfortunately though not everyone is so lucky. The word 'lonely' reaches a whole new meaning when you haven't laid eyes on anyone within twenty years of your age in over three months. You end up drifting away from your friends quite quickly and it's very hard for them to understand that although you haven't seen them in several weeks, you haven't seen anyone else since either.
Being so isolated changes you. It changes how you interact with people and how well you cope in social situations. It can cause severe social anxiety and feelings of being left behind, forgotten, out of the loop and even purposefully rejected.

Staying At Home

Obviously with an illness you stay at home a lot. Well duh. But how do you not get bored? There's nothing to do! Well, here's 15 easy steps to live like a patient for a day:

Step 1: Wake up. Fail. Try again. Fail. Rinse and repeat.
Step 2: Arrange for someone to bring you breakfast. Can't do that? Repeat Step 1 until you can muster the energy to get out of bed.
Step 3: Morning meds. Try to remember all the right ones at the right times.

Step 4: Attempt a shower. Can't manage it? Try to wash at the sink. Can't manage that either? Ok, you're going to be icky today.
Step 5: Nap/rest. You have exhausted yourself with all this breakfast and showering malarky.
Step 6: Need to pee? Right. Too sore to get up. Weigh pros and cons for about half an hour til you can't hold it any more. Go to the bathroom. Return to sofa/bed, painfully regretting the decision to ever drink anything ever.
Step 7: Recover from bathroom trip.
Step 8: Forgot about lunch. And daytime pills. If it's a bad day or the pills are too far away it's not worth it.
Step 9: If you can, sort out lunch and pills. Feel oddly refreshed.
Step 10: Cease to feel refreshed. Have a nap.
Step 11: Try to talk to someone online. Get halfway through a conversation.
Step 12: Too much exertion, need to rest.
Step 13: Repeat 'lunch crisis' with dinner and evening pills.
Step 14: Rest, try to wind down.
Step 15: Bedtime. Sleep. Fail. Try again. Fail. Rinse and repeat.

That is genuinely what a medium-bad day looks like. A good-medium day will involve slightly more conversation and maybe a blog post but that's about it.



Now, I could include all the things about what happens when you try big stuff, like starting a new job or moving, but the truth is that there isn't much point. Big events are more or less impossible for most ME/CFS sufferers, and the difficulties are pretty much the same as everyone else. The only difference is that you're adding these difficulties to everything listed above, an already severely restricted life.




"What are you studying? Nothing? Oh, where do you work then? Really? Then what is it that you do all day? Ha fair enough, must be nice taking a few years out.."
How are you supposed to answer this every time you meet someone new? How do you even mention something like ME/CFS if nobody understands what it is? How do you get them to see you as a person and not a helpless infant once they know about it?
"Ha yea, well I have ME. It just basically makes you sleepy a lot. It's not a big deal."
This is why it's important for people to know about the lives of people with chronic illness, so we don't have to justify our day-to-day lives or act like it's not a massive thing.




To finish on a lighter note, here's what a bunny would look like if it had ME/CFS:

ME/CFS Week: Awareness Day

Happy ME/CFS Awareness Day!

To celebrate, I will be trying to post every day this week about the varying aspects of ME/CFS. Today, however, I will just start with an introduction. This is not the most sun-shiny post in the world and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't afraid of people thinking I'm looking for attention, but this is important. I am a happy person with a really great life but this illness tries to take that away every single day. I won't let it - not because I'm amazingly strong, but because I can't. I don't need a medal for living my life, but please try to understand this aspect of it.

What does ME/CFS mean?

ME stands for Myalgic Encephalomyelitis, CFS stands for Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. They are two names for the same illness¹, which is known as one of the 'invisible illnesses'.

What is an 'invisible illness'?

Invisible illnesses are ones that show no outward symptoms. Basically you look entirely healthy but you could
be suffering from extreme exhaustion, pain or other internal symptoms. Other examples of invisible illnesses include Fibromyalgia, Cystic Fibrosis, and Multiple Sclerosis.

Ok, so what is ME/CFS then?

ME/CFS is an autoimmune disease. It makes you tired, that's kind of a given from the whole 'Chronic Fatigue Syndrome' bit. Unfortunately it seems that most people who've heard about it are usually under the impression that that's the only symptom. The truth is it's not. It's not even close.
When you have ME/CFS your energy will never get higher than about 8/10, and is rarely higher than a 6/10. As many of you will know from school/college/work, it can be really hard to concentrate and function like that - let alone attempt physical activity. People with this disease often end up sleeping 16-20 hours a day which, you know, kind cuts into productivity.
Additionally there's a sort of 'brain fog' that comes with the illness. Kind of like those days when you're just moving at a snail's pace, you can't quite think and concentration is out of the question. Everyone has these days occasionally, but with ME/CFS this is your permanent mental state. It makes reading, memory and any sort of academia almost impossible.
Muscle and joint pain are also part of this fun package, usually coupled with muscle weakness. Some are lucky enough not to experience too much pain, as I was for the first couple of years, but even without it mobility is still difficult. With the pain on top of everything else sufferers are often left almost entirely bedridden for years.
As well as the big stuff, which I would classify as the main symptoms, there are many more bits and bobs which often are just inconveniences. Unfortunately these inconveniences are the bits that make day-to-day life incredibly difficult. These include: unrefreshing sleep, trouble sleeping, night sweats and chills, headaches, sore throat, dizziness and balance issues and increased sensivity (particularly when it comes to eyes, ears and skin).


That's all for now, just be aware! There'll be more tomorrow, and remember:

¹ Some specialists will define them as different illnesses, but at the end of the day it's more of a terminology thing than anything else.

Self Unemployment: Volume 1

It's 1:35am. Mentally worn and physically exhausted, I'm only awake in the hopes of waiting up for my boyfriend. He's in college working on gruelling 4^th year things and said he'd "Try to be home before 4am" so I have some time to kill. So what do you do at times like these? I know, come up with ways to justify what you do the rest of the time!

I've decided to attempt a theory here, or at least a semi-formed-thoughty-thing..

Ok, so what if you have no job and are not in college? Well then you're unemployed. But what if you work for yourself? Well then you're self employed. What if you don't get paid? And thus self unemployment is born!

Basically I'm using this word to refer to anyone who does payable work but is temporarily unpaid for it; writers who are not yet recognised, artists of the same ilk, pre-entrepreneurs, etc.

As frustrating as it sounds, I am happy to announce that I have very recently joined the ranks of the self unemployed. I have decided to start up a Super Secret Business-y Thing. Needless to say, the Super Secret nature of the Super Secret Business-y Thing won't be super secret when the business is actually started, but for now I'm keeping it reasonably quiet so as not to build up expectations.

As a self unemployed person (or untrapreneur, if you will) I have a lot of work to do and not much immediate reward for it. It's a bit like running a marathon and being given a lottery ticket as your prize with no guarantee it'll win. Now in theory, the further you run the more likely you'll be given the winning ticket, but you have to prepared for your prize to be 'experience' or 'the warm fuzzy feeling from knowing you got this far'. Needless to say, these things sort of suck.. but they do give you more motivation to run as far as you can for that damn ticket.

I'm in a bit of a bind here though.. between doing my leaving cert on a 10-hour week and not really doing much after that point, I haven't had a rigid 9-5 style day since I was about 15. Even though I don't really have a deadline to meet for the moment, I'm all too aware of the fact that I won't be able to shut down the business for few weeks "because I'm sleepy" once it's up and running. For this reason, as of next week, I'm forcing myself to work as if I have a boss to look busy for. I'm not looking forward to it, but at least I get to write more. And the King's stinking son can't fire me if I don't stick to it.

Here's the plan so far:

7.00am:

- Wake up.

- Wake Will up (sorry Will).

- Normal morning-y things.

8.30am:

- Walk to Super Secret Location (probably a library or something).

- Do Super Secret Prep and research and contact Super Secret People.

10:30am:

- Practice writing (in theory to improve my correspondence skillage, actually to write self-pitying blog posts)

12:00pm:

- Lunch break!

- Go home, eat.

- Rest

2:00pm:

- Get to work practising necessary Super Secret Skills, probably whilst watching NCIS.

5:30pm:

- Start cleaning, prepping dinner, baking, and all in all being the good little housewife I am (come on Siobhán, you wrote a whole post on feminism like 5 minutes ago..)

So, think it'll work?

It would take a miracle.

And Billy Crystal isn't here to save the day..

Until he gets here though, I need sleep. So for now, bu-bye!

Gender Equality

Hello again!

I'm terribly sorry for the topic of this post (no really, I am) because it's so bloody overdone. I've never seen a personal blog without some reference to it somewhere and generally they're all saying variations of the same thing. I try not to write about things when I feel I can't contribute to the debate because.. well, what's the point in reading the same opinion (no matter how relevant) regurgitated for the umpteenth time unless it actually gives another perspective? If I want to show my support for something I share it on my Facebook page, there's really no need for a blog about it. Now for the sake of clarity I've phrased this in question form, I apologise if this comes across as patronising.

Why are you doing this to us then Siobhán? WHY?!

Well recently someone showed me an article in the Guardian on the subject of feminism and gender equality. While it went into the complications of gender equality vs feminism vs everything else, it made me realise that I've never actually seen an article or post of any kind that puts forth my feelings on the matter. This article got some of it, but there are still bits that I disagree with in there and that always seems to be the case. Also my feelings on the matter are quite difficult to express so I usually end up conceding the argument quite quickly for lack of energy.

Ok, to start with: what is feminism?

You're probably reading this thinking "Jesus Christ, how flipping condescending is this person? Any reasonable person knows what feminism is!". Unfortunately this just isn't true. I've witnessed many different attitudes and definitions, and I'm not even an activist. Depending on who you ask, feminism can be defined as the promotion of women's rights, the promotion of equal rights and/or the demotion of men's rights. This isn't even including those who think one gender is inherently better than another and still call themselves feminists¹. As the original article stated, it's not as simple as

The definition of feminism that I think is most reasonable and sums up my feelings on it best is this:

Feminism is the promotion of women's rights, with the aim of creating a society where women and men exist as equals.

So you're a feminist then, by that definition?

No, not really. By the above definition it's a movement that I definitely support, but I wouldn't call myself a feminist. My only real issue with feminism is that it focusses primarily on one gender - even in its name. This means that people look around and see women in power and think "Great! We can be done with this whole feminism malarkey now!" or see a man passed over for promotion in the name of feminism and think "Feminism is putting men at a disadvantage, they've gotten what they want and now they're just being spiteful!". In my experience, using 'gender equality' instead of 'feminism' cuts out this problem quite well.

If 'feminism' and 'gender equality' are both working towards the same goal then what's the difference?

To me the difference is sustainability. I have no idea what the future will hold for gender roles and gender equality. In my grandmother's time she legally had to give up her job when she got married, my mother on the other hand kept her maiden name and has had a thriving career, only marrying our father when my sister and I were 9 and 6 respectively. A large reason for my parents getting married when they did was the fact that Irish law recognised the rights of a married mother over those of an unmarried mother living with the father of her children, yet in 2012 we passed a referendum that went a long way to remedy this.

With the development of our society so uncertain, I feel it's important that we allow for equality in every long-term decision we make. Here's a somewhat controversial example of what I mean:
There's a business (roughly 25 years old, not family owned). The CEO is male, as are 19 of the 20 board members. Over the years there have been many qualified women who have applied for positions in the company but somehow almost all of the female employees are working at very low level stations and usually as secretaries or assistants. There's an atmosphere of acceptance when it comes to sexual harassment and aside from a yearly 2-hour talk there is nothing done about any complaints.
All in all, a misogynist and oppressive atmosphere has built up over the years and it'd suck to be a woman working there. It's the next bit where the opinions start to differ.
Feminism: Firstly, affirmative action. We implement a system whereby there have to be at least 7 female board members at any given time, as well as similar requirements at various levels of the organisation. Secondly we increase the number of sexual harassment seminars, make them compulsory and make sure that the protocols for reporting such behaviour are easily followed and the punishments enforced. We then need to have a good long talk with this CEO fellow and make sure he understands that he will be monitored and there will be consequences if this continues.
Gender Equality: Firstly, affirmative action. We implement a system whereby there have to be at least 7 female and 7 male board members at any given time, as well as similar requirements at various levels of the organisation. Secondly we increase the number of sexual harassment seminars, make them compulsory and make sure that the protocols for reporting such behaviour are easily followed and the punishments enforced. We then need to have a good long talk with this CEO fellow and make sure he understands that he will be monitored and there will be consequences if this continues.
There was one difference there. Just one. The thing is though is that, for me, that one difference turns 'positive discrimination' into 'equal opportunities hiring'. It allows for nobody to feel like they were discriminated against for their gender, and if the situation were ever reversed it allows for the same problems not to arise again.

But women are disadvantaged already! That's like splitting €100 equally between someone with nothing and someone with €50; the person with nothing needs to be given more to make it equal.

Yes, as it stands women are significantly disadvantaged. But is it not equally wrong to give one person the full €100 and leave the other with just €50²? The gender equality plan is giving women more than it's giving men. In the original structure women were guaranteed nothing and anything more than that was an anomaly. Men, on the other hand, were given more than their fair share of opportunity, given that 50% of the competition was automatically dismissed. The women here have received much more from the scheme, as they should have. It just allows for men and women now to be at the same starting point. We've given €75 to the women, €25 to the men and hopefully set the stage for an environment where the two genders are equal and the majority gender depends only on who deserves to work there.

See how happy we would be if we all weighed the same?

To sum up..

I think in an ideal world men and women would be treated equally, but currently this isn't the case. I believe that promoting women's rights in the form of mutual rights will be more efficient in getting to this ideal world. I also think that history shows we can evolve quickly as a society and mutual rights guarantees that misogyny and other forms of inequality don't raise their ugly heads again as they are so keen to do. I think that the term 'gender equality' has a more clear definition than 'feminism' and that is why I prefer using it. There are a bunch of other terms floating around the place but these I find are the simplest and most well-known.

Thank you for your time, I sincerely hope I didn't bore you to death. Oh and no applause necessary lads, I've got it covered..

¹ Not just putting women above men, but I have also seen people who see it as akin to animal rights - you should treat your dog well, but you wouldn't let it vote.

² The reason I use these numbers is because I want to emphasise that I do believe, no matter how much we give women, that men will never be as disadvantaged as women once were. They will always have their €50. I do still think it's better though for everyone to have €75.

Invasion of the People Snatchers

Can people change?

It's one of those questions that inevitably pops up every once in a while, each time triggering a different answer that I'm oh so sure I believe.. until the next time, of course. Every time a new situation arises I find my conclusion is rarely based on my last conclusion, or even the facts involved. It usually comes down to a gut feeling.

I think though I've come up with an answer that I can apply to any situation and possibly make a more fair judgement. This answer is 'ish'. Yes, I do think people can change.. ish. Ok, I know how that reads, but give me a chance to explain;

With the exception of a mightily convenient dose of amnesia or extreme hypnotherapy, nothing can undo your experiences. We are all doomed to remember most of our highs and lows throughout our lives. These memories (even the ones that lurk in the murky depths of the mind) play a large part in dictating how we handle situations. If you have a bad experience at a club the first time you go chances are you'll avoid going again for a while. Even if you acknowledge that though and try not to let it affect you, you may end up disregarding things that would otherwise bother you because you put the discomfort down to that first experience. Now this part would suggest that a person can't change - not really at least, right? Right.

On the other hand though, I am not the same person I was when I was 15. Sure, I have a lot in common with her; we have the same name, same family, a few of the same ambitions, a fair number of the same memories and even a couple of the same friends.. but we're not interchangeable. Of course we're not, nobody at age 21 could possibly be interchangeable with their 15-year-old self. I'm not talking here about 'deep personal experiences' or 'profound epitomes'. I'm simply referring to my general attitudes and reactions. Everything I experienced before the age of 15 is still there, but there's so much of it that I see in a different light now. I don't know what changed it (I assume the general passing of time and the whole growing up thing had something to do with it) but I do know that when I'm confronted with the same everyday problems they affect me differently. For example when I was 15 if a stranger glared at me I felt like "Why the fuck are they glaring at me? Who the fuck do they think they are? What the fuck is so wrong with me that they think they have the right to judge me without knowing me? Fucking bastard."¹ whereas now my reaction is more along the lines of "Hey now that's not nice. They're probably having a bad day though.. I'll check a mirror to reassure myself and then move on with my day". I genuinely don't feel under attack - the weird thing being that I don't remember ever making a concious decision to be less defensive or anything, it just sort of.. happened. There are many little things like that which pretty much all amount to this:
At age 15 I was trying so hard to be the smartest, most talented, most pretty-but-deep-and-damaged person in any room that I ended up coming off as just obnoxious and stupid. It vaguely irritates me, but what's bothers me more is that even when I tried to put others first my thoughts still went through the filter of "How do my actions look?" so my first thought was always myself. I wish I had made the effort to change this behaviour because maybe then I'd have been rid of it sooner. It seemed to sort itself out eventually anyways, because now I don't have to try to be kind or considerate. Even the childhood I remember as a 21 year old is very different from the one I remembered as a 15 year old, yes the same things happened but just.. differently. To clarify, I wasn't the devil at age 15 and I'm not an angel at age 21, I just see things more normally now.²
Now this was all a little too introspective for my taste, so I figured I would see how it holds up in comparison to my friends. No offence guys, but if my friends from when I was 15 still existed in their 15-year-old forms I would not be friends with them. I'd like to stress here that they've all evolved considerably - at least the ones I still know have. How is it that I had a lot in common with them then, have a lot in common with them now, but seem to have none of those same things in common with my old self?

So I've come to this reasoning:
If a person thinks they've changed they can force reactions and make it seem as though they see things differently. I think the test of it though is how they see the past. I mean wayy in the past, like before whatever drama they're supposed to have changed from.
Because I think that's the only real change you can make in your life. If you think you've changed your entire self I think you're wrong. There's only so much your attitudes can influence. Also just because you've changed doesn't mean you've changed for the better. I think it's worth not writing anyone off immediately though, there's a lot to be said for hearing people out.

That's pretty much it. Could have been shorter but given that the title of the blog is "Snoozy Snippets" I think being exhausted is a fair excuse for lack of editing. Also did you guys know that the HTML tag for superscript is "sup"? I find that ridiculously funny. Bye for now x

¹ Yes, the word 'fuck' came up much more in my 15-year-old vocabulary too, though I think that has more to do with my "I may be 5"6 and blond but I'm very scary and angry I promise" phase.

² Then again, writing a personal blog from the first person perspective may not be the most un-self-centred thing in the universe. Whatever, you get the general gist.

The Shape of Things To Come

There have been several posts that I've wanted to write over the last little while. There are many reasons why I didn't write them, but mostly they came down to one recurring annoyance; me.

Hey, I'm the kind of person who writes a personal blog, you can't expect me to not be self-centred. There have been 6 personal pronouns so far out of only 65 words - and it only gets worse from here on in.

Basically all of it's got me thinking about the nature of opinions. I have refrained from expressing mine because I feel like who I am makes them somehow less valid. Who am I to comment on wisdom at age 21? How can I justify talking about stereotypes when I fit so many of them? Then again.. does being 21 allow me to comment on the ignorance of some 12-year-olds? Can I complain about stereotypes, so long as I avoid the ones that apply to me?

Actually I kind of think most of what I just said is bullshit. The problem is that thinking it's bullshit doesn't stop me from allowing it to shape my opinions. This is annoying me to no end. The thing is, I don't think it's a me-being-annoying thing so much as a human-nature-sucking thing. I look at the people around me and I can see it influencing them - whether they bow to it like me or over compensate for it, it still shapes them.

This is why I wanted to write this, I want to be clear about a few things when it comes to future posts:

I am a middle class white female. None of my opinions or decisions represent those of other middle class white females. They are their own people with their own opinions for their own reasons.

I am in a long term relationship with a male. I am still entitled to my opinions on sexuality, relationships and romance. These opinions have not been solely formed based on this relationship, and please do not presume to know my romantic history or how it may or may not have affected me - only a couple of people know everything there is to know, and even they have only heard it from my own biased perspective.

I am young. My peers and other influences growing up have influenced the way I think and process information, so if you are significantly older or younger than I am please do not write off my opinions because of this but instead try to put yourself in my shoes.

I'm not overly smart, but I'm not stupid either. I don't know everything. I will never know everything. I try not to comment on things unless I feel I have a reasonable understanding of it based on several reliable sources. If I'm way off base on the facts (not opinions, mind you) I'd appreciate being told or given the benefit of the doubt, please do not assume it is my age or deliberate ignorance getting in the way.

I have a long-term illness. It sucks, but I'm happy. I have a great life, genuinely. Feel free to have sympathy for the fact that I'm sick, but please don't pity me. If nothing else there's no reason for it. Also it's patronizing as all hell.

I love my family. My good relationship with my family shouldn't really affect how seriously my views on family, children, relationships and family issues (divorce, abuse, etc.) are taken.

I'm trying not to disclose anything here that I wouldn't tell an acquaintance in a five minute conversation - not just on this post but on the blog in general. It's easy to forget that this won't just be seen by the two or three friends who make a point of reading it, or even just by the people I'm friends with on Facebook. The internet is public and though I want to share my views and have them out there, I hate the idea of them being written off just because it was me who said them. We are all who we are, for better or worse. We should try to improve ourselves where possible but I feel like even if I'm just shot down and corrected that's improvement. Just as long as they're shot down for being incorrect, not because I'm blond or whatever.

I tried a few times to make this sound less bitter, uppety and generally patronizing but I couldn't. Just please take my word for it that I was erring on the side of clarity. Mostly I was just trying to write a disclaimer for when future posts are taken the wrong way (or taken the right way, but where I didn't think before I typed).