The Shape of Things To Come

There have been several posts that I've wanted to write over the last little while. There are many reasons why I didn't write them, but mostly they came down to one recurring annoyance; me.

Hey, I'm the kind of person who writes a personal blog, you can't expect me to not be self-centred. There have been 6 personal pronouns so far out of only 65 words - and it only gets worse from here on in.

Basically all of it's got me thinking about the nature of opinions. I have refrained from expressing mine because I feel like who I am makes them somehow less valid. Who am I to comment on wisdom at age 21? How can I justify talking about stereotypes when I fit so many of them? Then again.. does being 21 allow me to comment on the ignorance of some 12-year-olds? Can I complain about stereotypes, so long as I avoid the ones that apply to me?

Actually I kind of think most of what I just said is bullshit. The problem is that thinking it's bullshit doesn't stop me from allowing it to shape my opinions. This is annoying me to no end. The thing is, I don't think it's a me-being-annoying thing so much as a human-nature-sucking thing. I look at the people around me and I can see it influencing them - whether they bow to it like me or over compensate for it, it still shapes them.

This is why I wanted to write this, I want to be clear about a few things when it comes to future posts:

I am a middle class white female. None of my opinions or decisions represent those of other middle class white females. They are their own people with their own opinions for their own reasons.

I am in a long term relationship with a male. I am still entitled to my opinions on sexuality, relationships and romance. These opinions have not been solely formed based on this relationship, and please do not presume to know my romantic history or how it may or may not have affected me - only a couple of people know everything there is to know, and even they have only heard it from my own biased perspective.

I am young. My peers and other influences growing up have influenced the way I think and process information, so if you are significantly older or younger than I am please do not write off my opinions because of this but instead try to put yourself in my shoes.

I'm not overly smart, but I'm not stupid either. I don't know everything. I will never know everything. I try not to comment on things unless I feel I have a reasonable understanding of it based on several reliable sources. If I'm way off base on the facts (not opinions, mind you) I'd appreciate being told or given the benefit of the doubt, please do not assume it is my age or deliberate ignorance getting in the way.

I have a long-term illness. It sucks, but I'm happy. I have a great life, genuinely. Feel free to have sympathy for the fact that I'm sick, but please don't pity me. If nothing else there's no reason for it. Also it's patronizing as all hell.

I love my family. My good relationship with my family shouldn't really affect how seriously my views on family, children, relationships and family issues (divorce, abuse, etc.) are taken.

I'm trying not to disclose anything here that I wouldn't tell an acquaintance in a five minute conversation - not just on this post but on the blog in general. It's easy to forget that this won't just be seen by the two or three friends who make a point of reading it, or even just by the people I'm friends with on Facebook. The internet is public and though I want to share my views and have them out there, I hate the idea of them being written off just because it was me who said them. We are all who we are, for better or worse. We should try to improve ourselves where possible but I feel like even if I'm just shot down and corrected that's improvement. Just as long as they're shot down for being incorrect, not because I'm blond or whatever.

I tried a few times to make this sound less bitter, uppety and generally patronizing but I couldn't. Just please take my word for it that I was erring on the side of clarity. Mostly I was just trying to write a disclaimer for when future posts are taken the wrong way (or taken the right way, but where I didn't think before I typed).

The Princess Bride

I can't read.

It's odd, I know, and quite embarrassing as far as secrets go. But it's true. I mean obviously I know the alphabet and I can make sense of words on a page or screen, but when it comes to making sense of a full page of script or more I just can't do it.

It's not that I never learned - I did - it's just that since I got sick about five years ago I simply don't have the concentration. I can read the odd paragraph here and there or maybe a short article, but I just can't seem to make my brain follow a storyline properly. Allow me to try to explain..

You know when you're really exhausted and about to go to bed, but there's a great book you're just dying to finish? It's sitting on your bedside table and no matter how difficult it is just to keep your eyes open, you just can't resist picking it up.. just for one chapter.. maybe two? It doesn't take long for you to realise that you've spent about five minutes on one page, and worse still reading the same paragraph over and over. You then realise that you still don't know what that paragraph says. At this point you usually give up (unless you're the particularly stubborn type) and resign yourself to stay in suspense for another night. Well with ME/CFS your concentration is at that level for all but maybe 40 minutes in the day - and that's with the help of narcolepsy drugs. Others may differ, but to be honest I don't want to spend those 40 minutes reading. It's not that I don't think reading is important, it's just that I wasn't much of a reader before I got sick and there are hundreds of other things I want to do with that time.

Before now I was only comfortable with about a handful of people knowing about this. Reading is such a basic thing, and everyone I know considers it to be a huge part of life. I'm well aware that there are more people in the world who can't read and write than who can, but in South Dublin it is most certainly the other way around (and I have the terrible misfortune of being surrounded by very intelligent, very well educated and very kind friends and family who keep trying to share and discuss things with me; usually involving articles or books or such things. Bastards).

The Princess Bride has been my favourite film since I was 12, when my Godfather, Frank Wynne, bought me the DVD along with Pretty in Pink and Crossroads (the first two because he couldn't believe I hadn't seen them, the last because I apparently begged him - lies and slander by the way). It was love at first viewing. This Christmas he gave me the book.

I've read 87 pages in 3 hours. This may not be impressive to most, but given the long ramble above about how I haven't read in properly in five years I'm fairly chuffed. Before now my favourite book was The Stars My Destination, but I'm afraid now it may have to be moved to second place. I just love it. To anyone who hasn't read it (whether you have seen/enjoyed the film or not) you really really need to. And for me, this is the book that allowed me to read again. I don't think I could be more happy about this. Knowing the storyline so well means that being unable to properly follow the text isn't a problem, but yet there's still so much more that it holds my interest and compels me to read on.

I've been wanting to start a blog for such a long time - I've even given it a stab a couple of times before - but I always come to the conclusion that if I can't even read, what business have I writing? Maybe it's because it's Christmas day, maybe it's because I'm in the middle of one of my favourite stories of all time, but I figure that today is the day to begin boring you all with opinions and ravings that you never asked to hear in the first place. If you have any complaints you can direct them to Frank, it's all his fault. Also you should check out is writings and translations, particularly his own book I Was Vermeer.

For now though, I shall pop off and continue my readings.

Merry Christmas everyone!